Today was a busy day where nothing got done.  Just like most of my days.  It was so busy that my elbow cramped up and made me walk funny for a while.  It was one of those weird, gypsy type cramps from something cursed I must have touched.  Or eaten – I eat a lot of weird stuff.

The dead dog likes eating weird stuff too.  We’re always finding cool things to chew on.  It’s usually best if it’s dead first though.  We don’t need another Ozzy Ozburger.  There are a lot of things at parks you can chew on, and bus stops are always good.  Sometimes you find stuff for drinking and poking and smelling too.  I always like a good smell and the best ones are always free!

If you’re going to collect smells, your best investment is in something that has pockets.  You can store the smell in a pocket and use a sniffing straw for enjoying your smell collection.  I’m going to patent sniffing straws so everyone can get as many as they need.  It’ll be legal and everything.  And believe me, you want to avoid the illegal smells.

Other than cursed gypsy cramps and chewing and smelling things, I got busy thinking about doing other things.  It’s easy to be busy with thinking about being busy, I do it all the time.  Maybe that’s why I’m so close to getting my Nacho Cheese and Salsa Factory ™.  I sure hope so.

What a good day!

It’s not every day you need to find a kennel for your dead dog. But then again, today wasn’t every day, it never is. It started with Cracky’s nationwide hobo convention tour – the good one he runs to hide the bad one. I guess someone died or got lost in a hole somewhere but now they need me to fill in and help on the tour. I really lucked out because they’ll pay me with whatever, even pigeons and cheetos! I love cheesy pigeons.

So in order to tour with Cracky, I needed to find a kennel for my dead dog. It’s normally easy so this time I went in person and nobody liked my dog. I think he was smelling funny from the sun, but whatever the reason, nobody wanted anything to do with him. So I bought some spray and new car smell and we followed a van through the car wash. It took a while and lots of spraying but the dog was finally clean and ready for a kennel.

We went to a place I knew because I’d seen it before and they agreed to store my dog. I even brought a box! When they saw that, they said they would store him free of charge and there was room on two different filing cabinets. Great! That means the dog will have a good view. I love this place and they’re nice not to charge me for this sort of thing. And because the dead dog fits in the box, I always get him back good as new!

Time to go on the hobo tour with Cracky.

What a good day!

Hobo Newswire - Second Edition, twice removed

After decades of collecting and years of submitting samples to the Guinness Book of World Records, local fragrant vagrant known as Stinky Hobo has set a world record for his collection of used chewing gum.  The collection comes to an estimated 5.3 tons and is stored using “unmentionable” methods in a variety of garbage cans, boxes, and miscellaneous containers.

Stinky Hobo’s recent achievement knocks legendary gum collector John McCain’s one-hundred-seventy-five year old record out of the books.  When asked about his drop from grace, the former champion stated “I eat and collect gum but it is not enough to beat this full-time hobo.  He is dedicated to used gum collecting and we value his strange abilities.”

Stinky Hobo’s agent, Mr. Cracky McBling issued a statement earlier today that thanked Guinness for their recognition and demanded tacos, two pigeons, and a turnip as a sacrificial donation.  Although it is rumored that Guinness made a counter offer involving hamsters and onions, no official documents can back these claims.  It is believed a compromise can and will be reached as soon as the pet stores open Monday morning.

In other news, Stinky Hobo has just announced his intentions of breaking the record for most sauce packets collected.  He is already nearing halfway on his journey of taking the world record from current holder, Julio Edwardo.  Julio has held the record since childhood, when inheriting an estimated $1.2 million in sauce packet fortunes from his deceased parents. After going on a worldwide sauce packet binge, Julio was last seen in the Bahamas shouting frantically about locations where the remaining sauce packets were (supposedly) buried.

Stinky Hobo says he holds a map to three of these treasured sauce packet mother-lodes, but claims he can break the record the old fashioned way if needs be.

“I collect sauce packets, and suck on them for powers you could never understand.  It’s one of the things I do, and I’m good at what I do.  Plus the dead dog will help me out so that’s one-and-a-half people collecting only one thing.  Math proves that’s only a matter of time to break the record.  Cracky just needs to come through on those tacos and pigeons.”

Stinky Hobo also wanted to add “What a good day.”

No further comment is desired at all.  Period, end of story.

I love me some good seasonings.  They’re my favorite part of a balanced hobo diet.  Now, not everyone knows about the Good Four Seasonings™, but the dead dog does and he learned it to me in one night and two tacos.  We’re always learning about tacos.

So the four seasonings are white, green, red, and pepper.  You always know the pepper because your sneeze guard goes off.  That one’s easy – and painful.  Red can be painful too so save that one for makeshift gypsy repellent.  White and green vary depending on where you find them but the ones in little baggies are usually cursed.  You can find white seasoning packets at McDonalds or in small baggies on the streets or in parks.  McDonalds seasonings are good, and you can also get pepper there (don’t bring your sneeze guard).  But the little baggies in parks are cursed!  Every time I try white seasoning found in a baggie on the street, it messes up my racing underwear and makes my brain four-and-a-half times too big.  Same with the green seasoning baggies but those usually stay away from the racing underwear.  So it’s best to stick to fast food seasonings until you become a professional hobo.  Only pros can wear the racing underwear.

Once you have some seasonings, a good hobo meal is easy.  The only ingredient besides good seasonings is a can with some food in it.  That’s it!  That’s the secret!  You don’t even have to heat it up, just mix in some seasonings and then pretend it’s gourmet nachos.  Or sludge, I like to make seasoned sludge with a blender – that’s a good secret too.

Last night I had a can of crusty noodles, some old sticky cheese, and used chewing gum.   You’d think that wouldn’t work but the gum is never used too much and some good seasonings make anything good.  I even found a turnip to grate and squeeze in some extra juices.  It turned out really good, and the spices mean it’s gourmet so even the dead dog tried some (He’s on a gourmet diet where you don’t eat as much because the food is too expensive and tastes funny).

So now that you know about the four seasonings, please keep it a secret for at least a night and two tacos.  Any sooner and things get in jeopardy, lots of things, big things.   Thank you for understanding.

What a good day!

I got some new neighbors today, they’re really cool, but not really. See, the store behind me put out a new dumpster a few days ago so I claimed it as my own. Well, first the dead dog claimed it but he’s dead, so what does he know? Plus, nobody wants to rent a dumpster from a dead dog. At least I wouldn’t – not after last time.

After hiring Cracky to renovate the new dumpster, I found some gypsies to move in. They like it because it has wheels and moves and everything. Plus they’re paying me a dollar a week (in fake beads and fortune telling) plus all the boxes I ever wanted. Man, there are so many boxes I could probably build my Nacho Cheese and Salsa Factory ™. But it wouldn’t be very good without more tape and chewing gum. I need to get collecting stuff again and work on my stockpile. There’s never enough tape and chewing gum. Oh, and pigeons.

The only problem with my new neighbors is the noise. That, and the smell. Oh, and they put curses on everything even though they're non-cursive. It’s like they scream just to make noise, then crank up the trumpet polka enough to make both dumpsters shake. All the while putting curses on plastic toys and boxes and stuff. Even the dead dog can hear it, it’s that bad! I don’t know if he can smell them but he sure acts like it.  Or maybe he's just smelling himself, I sure am!

Maybe next time I’ll get Cracky to put in soundproofing or at least get a deposit or something. I don’t know where I would deposit the deposit though, nobody explained that to me yet and I can’t do enough thinking to learn it on my own. Thinking only learns you so much.

What a good day!

Did you ever taste anything that was almost good, but instead was bad, real bad? Well I just did, and it was good, but then bad, very bad. I wonder what ingredient made it so bad, except almost good. Maybe they don't have enough sauce packets. Or maybe the ratios are off, dang ratios.

So after drinking the bad stuff that was almost good, I drank some more then forgot what I was doing and found some stuff that tastes really bad, but almost good. This stuff sure is weird.

Which reminds me. Did you ever hear your ears turn off and then back on? Almost like they quit working and then remembered what they were doing, or maybe you found a mute button somewhere? Or maybe our ears only work when there is sound, but how would you know? The dead dog doesn't even know that!
I sure hope I can find that mute button someday. I've been looking really hard and pushing different buttons for much longer than six tacos now. Still, no gravy. Mmm... taco gravy.

Maybe it's best I don't find that button. And maybe it's best my ears only work when there is sound. And maybe it's best I drink some more of this weird stuff I just found. It tastes really bad, except almost good.

What a good day!

I came up with a brilliant idea today.  It's worth at least a nickel and six or seven feet.  Well, the dead dog came up with the idea but he doesn't know I borrowed it yet.  Besides, it has to do with cats, and he shouldn't be thinking about cats after that last one kicked his butt and then humped the side of his head before getting tired and going off to do other cat things.

So here's the idea:

Iam's Regurgitated Meat Slop – When your cat can't chew it's food, we will.

You heard it here first, and I expect a Nacho Cheese and Salsa Factory (tm) (maybe two) when you make your millions.  Please don't tell the dog.

What a good day!

I spent all day looking for the good stuff but I just can't find it.  I don't know if it even exists, except in my mind, and maybe my pocket.  See, I've been doing lots of calculations lately and they all point to people not liking bad gas.  I don't know why but they just don't seem to like it.  The logic does not lie, except on Thursday.
So I got to thinking, if people don't like bad gas, they must like good gas... The Good Stuff (tm).  It was the perfect idea to get my Nacho Cheese and Salsa Factory.  After all, if it's good stuff, that means it's good.

But I couldn't find any gas, good or bad.  Not even in my pockets.  I don't know what gypsy cursed me because it has never been like this before.  I sure hope I deserved it.  Maybe I haven't been eating enough sauce packets lately.

Later on I gave up on good gas and started learning some new things from the dead dog.  He sure is full of weird, unusual, and interesting stuff sometimes.  Especially after a big meal.  I just hope it doesn't catch up to him.

Speaking of fat people, how come I don't see any really old fat people any more?  I sure miss the really old fat people.

What a good day!

I started out today really busy even though I don't know what I was doing.  It was really cool for a while, but got old as soon as that creepy dude started taking pictures.  I sure don't like people taking pictures when I'm updating my butt photocopies.  Can't they wait for the postcard?!

After the updates, I grabbed a new form to copyright my fingerprints so people will quit using them without my permission.  They've probably made a fortune already and I still don't have my nacho factory so I guess I'm going to break down and fill out this complex form.  I sure hope I don't flunk it this time.

I also need to read about some of the new diseases they are discovering.  Like how it's a disease to collect stuff now.  I think it's an obsessive compulsive disorder for people who collect stuff and Cracky might have even helped with the invention of that one.  I was busy making other stuff up so you know I didn't make this one up, it's that good!

Man, they've got diseases for everything now.  Pretty soon it'll probably be a disease just to be alive.  Like Spontaneous Anti-Death Syndrome (SADS) or something else that requires money.  I think that Anti-Death Syndrome is the opposite of what the dead dog's got.  He's got HAPPY something or other and it doesn't cost anything, I don't think.  I sure hope not anyway, because I'm not paying for his weird fetishes anymore.

What a good day.

So I learned how to perform the patented Hobo MindSync today. Well, I had to make most of it up but now I can learn the knowledge of the rocks and talk to my Jikkom. My dead dog was trying it on some chipmunks but they weren't going for that so he gave up and practiced playing dead for a while. He sure is getting good at that trick.

I didn't learn much from MindSyncing with the rocks but one mentioned a magical booger somewhere nearby. So now I gotta find me that booger. I'll bet Cracky could even sell it on the black market. There's a black market for everything these days, even racing underwear.

So I still haven't stocked up on sauce packets yet. And now the magic booger is going to slow me down even more. It sure is tough getting a Nacho Cheese and Salsa Factory (tm) sometimes. Maybe I need to spend more time inventing shortcuts or entering Rat Fireball competitions.

What a good day!