I must be doing something right with this website. It's been a long time since my last post which means the number of readers has gradually increased because I haven't been writing anything to scare ya'll off. Whatever I'm not doing – I should keep it up!

And with that I'll disregard my own advice and post just about the dumbest thing I can come up with right now: A how-to guide for making your own kitty compost pile, complete with cats.

Ok, so you've got a bunch of extra cats hanging around and want to turn them into something useful huh? Why not start your own kitty composting pile? The cats will compost eventually, leaving you with rich, clean, cat fortified dirt. Great for putting on the ground or for storing under things! I store cat-dirt under things all the time. And hey, a pile of dirt beats having a bunch of crappy old cats around because dirt doesn't poop like cats do. Not that I've seen anyway.

The first thing you want to do when building your kitty compost pile is mark out an area about 3 feet square. Too small of an area and it won't hold enough cats, too large of an area and your yard will be condemned for illegal toxic fume disbursement and possible environmental hazards. Keep it to less than 381 cats, please!

Once your area is marked off, it's time to start collecting cats. Cat collecting is an interesting hobby in and of itself, but one that's beyond the scope of this post. Suffice it to say, cat collecting seems easier if you're older, single, and have a couple bolts loose upstairs. If this doesn't describe you, find someone it does describe – they're like freakin' cat magnets on crack. Kitty crack no less.

Now remember, the proper ratio for a well fortified compost pile is two dead cats for every live cat. Since cat's have nine lives, the ratio might be 18 to 1 but I'm sure PETA is already a tad bit pissed off so let's stick with the first ratio for now.

When you've determined the proper ratio and collected enough cats, mix them together and stir well. About 10 minutes ought to do the trick. There's not really an electronic blender or something similar that'd work for this part but a shovel or rake will probably do just fine. Experiment if necessary and share your results.

I don't know how long it takes for cats to compost properly and provide you with the highest quality of cat-enriched soil, but it probably takes a heck of a long time. The stupid cat soil better be worth it. It's rumored that you can add dirt on top of the kitty compost pile to speed up the process. Some say this works while others say it draws complaints from both the dead and live cats.

Whatever your method for kitty composting, I bet it sure will feel good to crack open a tall cold one at the end of a long day, take a look at your pile of cat-dirt, and say “Yup, what a good day!”