Last Tuesday, Barack Obama won the U.S. presidential election by a landslide, yet the stock market posted its worse two-day loss after an election in American history – dropping approximately 10%.  So what the heck happened?

It’s easy…  After the enthusiasm of a new president wore off, everyone realized we still have to deal with George Bush and his failed antics for another three months.  Luckily, Bush will most likely be on vacation, hopefully hunting with VP Dick Cheney, for the next three decades or so...  Or until Cheney mistakes Bush for a deer and shoots him repeatedly.

In other news, Americans showed their support for Obama and his policies by purchasing all the guns and ammo they can get their hands on.  Nothing says Americans have faith in their government like everyone rushing to stock up on automatic weapons and ammo after an election.  Especially when they’re already armed to the hilt and itching to mistake people for deer.

Maybe it’s because Vice President elect Joe Biden and his cronies have made clear their plans to take over Americans’ private retirement accounts, including ALL 401k’s and IRAs!  Sure, your money is safe in the hands of the government - especially when the government is bent on “spreading the wealth” by any means possible.  And don’t mind the fact they'll confiscate 50% of your wealth when you die and make it impossible for employers to match your retirement contributions… that’s just a technicality.

When asked about the confiscation of half of all American's wealth, Teressa Ghilarducci spoke on condition of anonymity, saying: "They'll be guaranteed 3% returns per year on the money we take from them" - which almost covers the "official" inflation rate of nearly 5%.
When pressed further, Ghilarducci said (again, speaking anonymously) "Of course, participants would not earn a real 3% return.  How's that for double-speak? But don't worry about it - It'll be managed by the Social Security Administration and you can see how well we've managed those funds so there's nothing to worry about."

It really is a good idea to let the government control your hard-earned cash.  Just ask Argentina… only a couple weeks ago, Argentina nationalized the citizens’ private retirement accounts, then promptly raided the ill-gotten money to pay their bills – causing Argentine pesos to lose 40% of their value in ONE DAY.  Yay!  Let’s hear it for spreading the wealth of the citizens into the hands of government!

The good news is that President Bush, in all his absentminded retardation, has set the bar so low that Obama will have an extremely hard time doing worse.  That pretty much assures us that President Obama will be great... by comparison anyway.

With today being election day in the United States, it won’t be long before Comrade Obama takes office in an effort to “redistribute the (your) wealth”.  With so many people voting for Obama, it may be no surprise that his socialist economic policies are already taking effect across the country.

Here’s a humorous overview on just how Comrade Obama’s economic plan will work.  It’s not 100% accurate since it doesn’t mention highly inefficient government spending, but the idea is the same.

In fact, many voters across the nation claim they've already quit their jobs and are just waiting for the wealth sharing to head their way.  One voter went so far as to send an invoice to Barack's campaign headquarters, complete with a detailed list of neighbors' property he would like to call his own.  Another called "dibs" on Bill Gates fortune while many others claimed the Playboy Mansion is now rightfully theirs.  Obama has already promised North Dakota to the Canadians and promises to make good on all other claims as soon as time allows.

Funny enough, nobody has claimed Hillary Clinton so she will probably be shipped overseas as part of a trade with China for lead-tainted glow sticks.

In other news, it's probably no surprise by now that Obama will be the next U.S. President.  The only surprise will be if he can't manage to beat a 200 year old man and the hot chick from car commercials.

In a bold move of stupidity sure to exacerbate the global financial crisis, the International Monetary Fund announced that they too want to create money out of thin air.  In a self-respecting, educated society, such a move would be stopped dead in its tracks.  However, with bold moves of stupidity being the norm these days, the announcement went largely unnoticed.

An official from the IMF, speaking on condition of anonymity, was quoted as saying:

“Everybody else is printing money as fast as they can and so far it’s making matters worse.  Inflation is rampant, several currencies face possible destruction, and the central bankers who got us into this mess haven’t fixed things yet.  That’s why we need more central bankers to step in and help out.  It’s become obvious to us that we aren’t throwing enough money at the problem.  That’s why we want to create money out of thin air too.  It’s not about the elite few controlling the entire wealth of the world, and it’s certainly not about lining our pockets with other people’s hard earned cash.  Anybody who thinks otherwise is a terrorist and unpatriotic.”

U.S. President George W. Bush is all for the move, citing the “basically sound” financial roadmaps of Weimar, Germany, Argentina, and Zimbabwe.  And all central bankers have applauded the move to print more money – even create new currencies and inflate those if they have to.  When asked about the impending global recession, all but one banker claimed they weren’t experiencing it and “profits have never been better”.  The one banker who opposed the move apparently died two years ago but nobody has noticed yet.

Yes, this post may contain satire, but sadly it’s not far from the truth.  If you check out the article linked above, you’ll see that the IMF indeed wants to create a new currency so more money can be created out of thin air.  You’ll also get a glimpse at some of the many countries currently facing financial problems due to unregulated stupidity of those who control their money supply.  It’s interesting to note that ALL countries currently facing financial problems use a fiat currency.  Maybe there’s a reason Ron Paul calls fiat money an “immoral system” that’s destined to failure.

For those of you who don’t know, a fiat currency (or “fiat money”) is money that has no value whatsoever and is backed by nothing.  It is only used as money because a government’s order (fiat) requires it to be accepted as payment.  You may also find it interesting that these currencies are destined to failure from the start.  Each new dollar created comes with immediate interest owed to the central bank.  Even if every single debt was paid in full, there would still be massive amounts of interest payments owed to the central banks - and no money to pay it. Ron Paul calling this an "immoral system" is an understatement - "highway robbery" seems closer to the truth.

I’ll end this with a relevant quote from Thomas Jefferson.
“If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their money, first by inflation and then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around them will deprive the people of their property until their children will wake up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.”

The numbers are in and Americans are voting early and in record numbers.  The main reason for so many early votes?  Everyone just wants the damn election to end already.  The Socialists have won, the word “friend” has been replaced with “comrade”, and congress has repeatedly given us the finger in order to bailout criminals with astronomical amounts of cash and free candy.  So who cares which puppet ends up in the White House – neither candidate will help the country and everyone just wants the crapfest to be done with.  It’s been going on for two years now, be done with it already!  That’s almost as long as President Bush’s last vacation.  Oh wait… maybe I’m thinking of Dick Cheney’s last hunting trip – George Bush has been on vacation for the last eight years (and on a mental vacation for much, much longer).

Whatever the case, Barack Hussein Obama will be the first black president of the United States that’s not really black.  Congratulations!  At least now we won’t be so surprised when the government steals Americans’ wealth from under their noses.

John McCain will go back to his crypt to sleep and recharge for another thousand years and Sarah Palin will return to the remote confines of Alaska to hunt and devour wild beasts with her bare hands.

So let’s vote, let’s vote quickly, and let’s be done with this lunatic carnival already.

In other news, it is rumored that the election season started so soon because Americans can’t wait to get Bush out of office.  This is a drastic change from the norm since most Americans generally spend enormous amounts of time trying to get bush in the office.

And for those of you who turned to page 57 as suggested in my previous post, turn to page 34 and wait for the bat signal.

How ‘bout them Mets?

Hobo Newswire – (Sometime before the time you start reading this)

In a seemingly endless avalanche of bank failures, the local Hobotown Bank added their name to the list by filing for bankruptcy early Monday morning.  The move flies in the face of typical bank failure rules, which explicitly state a bank should only fail on a Friday or weekend as to leave depositors helpless and hopeless for as long as possible.

The most interesting thing of note in the Hobotown Bank failure is that the bank foreclosed on itself and brought on its own bankruptcy.  When new management was brought in earlier this year, they quickly implemented policies to foreclose on all delinquent and dead-beat accounts.  The new policies caused the bank to foreclose on 1,300 of its own branches and resell their main office building at a fire-sale auction.  It turns out the bank had been lending money to itself for some time, and was quite poor at paying back the debt.  They also had problems with sending bad checks or coupons and stickers as payment.

When asked about the decision to foreclose on their own bank, CEO Bernard Bershard said “You do what you gotta do to make things work, and I did what I gotta did.  We were bleeding millions of dollars because of our sub-prime loans and dead-beat accounts so the only thing to do was to get rid of them.  Well, I got rid of them, we foreclosed on them all.  And now those suckers will pay.”

When reminded that Mr. Bershard had foreclosed on his own company and that he was one of those "suckers who will pay”, Bershard stated “I’ll turn this company around and then you’ll see.  My name isn’t Bernard Bershard for nothing!”

Little did Mr. Bershard know that all remaining assets of Hoboland Bank have already been sold to foreign investors representing Banco de Nicaragua.  Mr. Bershard’s car was also being towed for illegally parking across two handicap spaces.

Customers of Hobotown Bank were told not to worry about their money.  Their deposits are supposedly safe somewhere, just not here.  Depositors were also told to contact Nicaragua for further instructions.

We were too lazy to dig up any further information for this report.

Hobo Newswire - (Two days old or so we're told)

Today brings some urgent news from the south Atlantic where Hurricane Octavio completely failed to make landfall.  Without threats of destruction, Octavio has missed the evening news circuit entirely and suffered immense financial damage as a result.  Hurricane Octavio currently lumes over the south Atlantic, threatening to end it all in a tropical storm fade-out or other similar agonizing death.

Although Octavio may be suffering financially, he still has a wife Mildred and two children (Milly and Vanilly) who love him and would suffer traumatically from Octavio’s early demise.  When asked about the impending fate of his father, Milly responded “I’m gonna fizzle and dad’s gonna fizzle.  Being a tornado, I’m gonna fizzle before my old man fizzles so let me get on with some destruction.”

It was not known if the son’s path of destruction has been finanically profitable for the family.  Although if it was, it may very well be the spark Octavio needs to change his mind and aspire to the destruction obtained by the greats.

This special report will not be followed up on and we really don’t care about what happens from here.

Hobo Newswire - Second Edition, twice removed

After decades of collecting and years of submitting samples to the Guinness Book of World Records, local fragrant vagrant known as Stinky Hobo has set a world record for his collection of used chewing gum.  The collection comes to an estimated 5.3 tons and is stored using “unmentionable” methods in a variety of garbage cans, boxes, and miscellaneous containers.

Stinky Hobo’s recent achievement knocks legendary gum collector John McCain’s one-hundred-seventy-five year old record out of the books.  When asked about his drop from grace, the former champion stated “I eat and collect gum but it is not enough to beat this full-time hobo.  He is dedicated to used gum collecting and we value his strange abilities.”

Stinky Hobo’s agent, Mr. Cracky McBling issued a statement earlier today that thanked Guinness for their recognition and demanded tacos, two pigeons, and a turnip as a sacrificial donation.  Although it is rumored that Guinness made a counter offer involving hamsters and onions, no official documents can back these claims.  It is believed a compromise can and will be reached as soon as the pet stores open Monday morning.

In other news, Stinky Hobo has just announced his intentions of breaking the record for most sauce packets collected.  He is already nearing halfway on his journey of taking the world record from current holder, Julio Edwardo.  Julio has held the record since childhood, when inheriting an estimated $1.2 million in sauce packet fortunes from his deceased parents. After going on a worldwide sauce packet binge, Julio was last seen in the Bahamas shouting frantically about locations where the remaining sauce packets were (supposedly) buried.

Stinky Hobo says he holds a map to three of these treasured sauce packet mother-lodes, but claims he can break the record the old fashioned way if needs be.

“I collect sauce packets, and suck on them for powers you could never understand.  It’s one of the things I do, and I’m good at what I do.  Plus the dead dog will help me out so that’s one-and-a-half people collecting only one thing.  Math proves that’s only a matter of time to break the record.  Cracky just needs to come through on those tacos and pigeons.”

Stinky Hobo also wanted to add “What a good day.”

No further comment is desired at all.  Period, end of story.

With historically low approval ratings and the end of term in sight, US President George W. Bush made a move today to end the economic slump once and for all.  He claims the solution to a bad economy is to simply get rid of the problem – eliminate the economy.  With nothing left to complain about, attention can return to more serious matters such as playing slinky and learning the Macarena.  Republicans and Democrats alike applaud the move as super-duper and welcome any chance to quickly resolve the issue and bring attention back to things that matter – like lack of experience and family scandals.

In a statement, President Bush said “See… hehe… We don’t need to have a problem anymore.  We can just, heh… ignorify it.  Heck, I’ll ignorify it for ya, just like I do with my wife and when I’m in timeout. So people of my fellow America, I ask that we ignorify the economy until the problem rectalfies.  Thank you and bless God for everyone.”

Vice President Dick Cheney weighed in on the matter later in the day with this comment: “Screw the economy, who needs it?  So long as I can get oil and ammo, everything is fine.  Oh, and lots of money.  Money and oil, money and oil!  Go Rumsfeld, woo!”  The vice president went into cardiac arrest after making the statement but was revived in time to get sufficiently drunk and have dinner at Black Angus.

It is not known how the White House intends on implementing the President’s new plan, nor how much “ignorifying” Bush plans on doing, but one thing is clear – Something is being done and with the way this country is being run, it’s surprising we’re that far along in the game.

Only time will tell how this unusual experiment in stupidity plays out.

Hobo Newswire - August of the current year
This gruesome news just came in and it doesn’t look good for these iconic toys of yester-year.  Apparently a rogue Teddy Ruxpin talking bear has brutally disfigured and or murdered up to 17 Cabbage Patch Kids in three different counties.

Initial reports are vague but it is believed the Ruxpin in question may have been mentally and physically abused at the manufacturing plant.  The odd probes and tools required to assemble a Ruxpin, along with the painful insertion of motors and wires, almost assures the toy will turn evil within the first few months.  It is unknown how many Teddy Ruxpins are evil, but the numbers are presumed staggering.

“We’ve had 2,633 Cabbage Patch Kids go missing over the years,” said Hobo County Police Chief Cracky McBling.  “So it makes sense that Teddy Ruxpins are responsible for at least 1,921.  You can guarantee that’s a lot of evil Ruxpins.”

The news follows on the footsteps of the notorious serial killer Wooly Whatsit – a hand puppet believed to have choked over three-hundred barbie dolls and other assorted toys in a nationwide crime-spree spanning two decades and 21 states.

The investigation is ongoing and we will bring you the latest as we hear more.

In a move to appeal to the women vote and appear more hip, Presidential candidate John McCain announced his running mate today. His nomination: Hello Kitty.

“It makes perfect sense, and is a logical choice” said Lady Redundant Woman, a top advisor of the McCain campaign. “Hello Kitty has a lot of appeal to the women voters, and females will like her too.”

It is rumored that McCain originally considered his old high school buddy, Grogg the Caveman, as his running mate. But that choice was quickly shot down when McCain realized Grogg and his people have been extinct for thousands of years. His next choice was another old friend, Julius Caesar. Advisors recommended Hello Kitty as the more logical choice since they didn’t want to break the news to McCain about Caesar's tragic death.

In other news, John McCain is old.

Hello Kitty was unavailable for comment.