Phil’s Hobo Humor and Insights

Hobo humor, funny stories, and maybe something useful too.



Office Hobo - The Wonka-vator

April 22nd, 2007 by Phil Stewart

I found the “freight” elevator today. It carries people too. It's wicked bad, but only on Tuesdays.

The guys who use it are so cool, they don't even label the buttons or nothing. Almost like the buttons might change and they can't go through the trouble of replacing silly labels. Or maybe it's a Wonka elevator, that would be wicked bad too.

I tried for a long time to get important stuff done on the freight elevator but I got lost for twenty-two hours and couldn't figure out how to get un-lost. It happened before but I forgot about that time.
I did figure out how to get the elevator to go up and down though, so that was pretty cool. And when it went down, I could jump and I would grow a little bit higher than normal. At least I think so because when I hit the ground, it hurt my shoe. And worse than the last time.

Maybe I need to play basketball in an elevator going down. I'll bet I could be really good because of my high growing abilities and hammer time. Maybe even better than in the dead dog's dreams. And I'm really good in those!

It was a good day but I think I'll leave more exploration of the freight elevator for another time. I've about run out of sauce packets and I need to recharge my super powers.

What a good day!

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Office Hobo - Losing Co-Workers

December 17th, 2006 by Phil Stewart

<meta content="OpenOffice.org 1.9.104 (Linux)" name="GENERATOR" /><meta content="20061217;2285200" name="CREATED" /><meta content="20061217;2440500" name="CHANGED" /><br /> <style> <!-- @page { size: 8.5in 11in; margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } --> </style> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in">I accidentally lost a co-worker today. I don't know how it happened but it was good, and then bad, but good. It was in the shipping department and I was just busy packing boxes and shipping stuff. I already printed my unmentionables for the day so I was flying through work. Then Bob disappeared. Not even the goldfish knows what happened.</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in">I hope I accidentally shipped him to a customer or maybe he is taking an extra long potty break and got side-tracked skipping frogs at the pond. Bob sure is a nice guy when he isn't busy being shipped somewhere. I hope he has enough postage.</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in">Later on, I started shipping more stuff to clear some space under the stairs. It was mostly stale dog food and some markers and chewing gum but someone should like the nice surprise. Except that one package, that got messy.</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in">I sure have a lot of space now so I need to store these results on my typewriter. And I'm getting a lot of work done. I must be really close to a Nacho Cheese and Salsa factory by now. I still need more pigeons and duct tape though.</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in">After running out of stuff to ship, I let some people autograph my toga and then gave my goldfish a bath. He can be fussy sometimes so we didn't use too much water. Then I took a nap and somehow got locked in the storage closet. That happens a lot so I must have really weird dreams at work. One time I woke up taped to the soda machine. It buzzed for a while and made my belly button tingle. I wish that would happen again. What a good day!</p> </div> <p align="right"> <a href="http://www.stumbleupon.com/submit?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-losing-co-workers/&title=Office Hobo - Losing Co-Workers"><img src="/images/linkicons/stumbleit.gif" border='0' alt='Stumble This Post'></a> <a href="http://digg.com/submit?phase=3&url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-losing-co-workers/" target="_blank" title="Add Story to DiggIt!"><img alt='DiggIt!' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/digg.png'/></a> <a href='http://del.icio.us/post?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-losing-co-workers/&title=Office Hobo - Losing Co-Workers' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Del.icio.us'><img alt='Del.icio.us' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/delicious.png'/></a> <a href='http://myweb2.search.yahoo.com/myresults/bookmarklet?u=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-losing-co-workers/&=Office Hobo - Losing Co-Workers' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Yahoo web'><img alt='Yahoo' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/yahoo.png'/></a> <a href='http://reddit.com/submit?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-losing-co-workers/&title=Office Hobo - Losing Co-Workers' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Reddit'><img alt='Reddit' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/reddit.gif'/></a> <a href='http://www.newsvine.com/_tools/seed&save?u=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-losing-co-workers/&h=Office Hobo - Losing Co-Workers' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Newsvine'><img alt='Newsvine' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/newsvine.png'/></a> <a href='http://www.technorati.com/cosmos/search.html?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-losing-co-workers/' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Technorati'><img alt='Technorati' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/technorati.png'/></a> </p> <p class="info">Posted in <a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/category/office-hobo-funny-stories/" title="View all posts in Office Hobo - Funny Stories" rel="category tag">Office Hobo - Funny Stories</a>, <a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/category/phils-blog/" title="View all posts in Phil's Blog" rel="category tag">Phil's Blog</a> <strong>|</strong> <img src="http://www.philstewart.org/wp-content/themes/phil-theme/img/comments.gif" alt="" /> <a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-losing-co-workers/#respond" title="Comment on Office Hobo - Losing Co-Workers">No Comments »</a></p> </div> <div class="item"> <h1><a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-top-secret-creative-juices/" rel="bookmark" title="Permanent Link to Office Hobo - Top Secret Creative Juices">Office Hobo - Top Secret Creative Juices</a></h1> <small><img src="http://www.philstewart.org/wp-content/themes/phil-theme/img/timeicon.gif" alt="" /> December 6th, 2006 by <img src="http://www.philstewart.org/wp-content/themes/phil-theme/img/author.gif" alt="" /> Phil Stewart </small> <div class="entry"> <p><meta http-equiv="CONTENT-TYPE" content="text/html; charset=utf-8" /><title /><meta name="GENERATOR" content="OpenOffice.org 1.9.104 (Linux)" /><meta name="CREATED" content="20061206;18515400" /><meta name="CHANGED" content="20061206;19373800" /><br /> <style> <!-- @page { size: 8.5in 11in; margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } --> </style> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in">My boss gave me a top secret assignment today, it came straight from the shifty eye. It's wicked bad but I can't tell anybody, not even the goldfish. And he knows everything! It's a good thing I am storing my documents on the typewriter. I keep everything there, even my underwear. What a good typewriter!</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in">I am not quite sure what my top secret assignment is, that's how secret it is! When I talked to my boss earlier, he made it sound like a whole lot of work. So I filled in some blanks with my own creative juices and then started collecting boogers for later. The good boogers too!</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in">Now I have to do some calculations on my typewriter for a while and print unmentionables. This job is really busy when you have top secret assignments. Maybe I can get an assistant. Or like an organ grinder's monkey. Except he would wear a batman outfit and he could fly. I still have the sauce packets that give those super powers!</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in">This is so great. I can do my calculations and get a little flying batman monkey. I wonder what else I need for my top secret assignment. Too bad the toga doesn't fit in here because I'd really like to use that again. I'll bet the heated underwear pockets will come in handy though. Maybe even some racing underwear! I better get busy.</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in">What a good day!</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in"> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in"><a href="http://www.philstewart.org/2006/12/office-hobo-pigeon-detergent/">>>  PREVIOUS Office Hobo - Pigeon Detergent</a></p> </div> <p align="right"> <a href="http://www.stumbleupon.com/submit?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-top-secret-creative-juices/&title=Office Hobo - Top Secret Creative Juices"><img src="/images/linkicons/stumbleit.gif" border='0' alt='Stumble This Post'></a> <a href="http://digg.com/submit?phase=3&url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-top-secret-creative-juices/" target="_blank" title="Add Story to DiggIt!"><img alt='DiggIt!' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/digg.png'/></a> <a href='http://del.icio.us/post?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-top-secret-creative-juices/&title=Office Hobo - Top Secret Creative Juices' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Del.icio.us'><img alt='Del.icio.us' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/delicious.png'/></a> <a href='http://myweb2.search.yahoo.com/myresults/bookmarklet?u=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-top-secret-creative-juices/&=Office Hobo - Top Secret Creative Juices' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Yahoo web'><img alt='Yahoo' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/yahoo.png'/></a> <a href='http://reddit.com/submit?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-top-secret-creative-juices/&title=Office Hobo - Top Secret Creative Juices' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Reddit'><img alt='Reddit' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/reddit.gif'/></a> <a href='http://www.newsvine.com/_tools/seed&save?u=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-top-secret-creative-juices/&h=Office Hobo - Top Secret Creative Juices' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Newsvine'><img alt='Newsvine' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/newsvine.png'/></a> <a href='http://www.technorati.com/cosmos/search.html?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-top-secret-creative-juices/' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Technorati'><img alt='Technorati' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/technorati.png'/></a> </p> <p class="info">Posted in <a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/category/office-hobo-funny-stories/" title="View all posts in Office Hobo - Funny Stories" rel="category tag">Office Hobo - Funny Stories</a>, <a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/category/phils-blog/" title="View all posts in Phil's Blog" rel="category tag">Phil's Blog</a> <strong>|</strong> <img src="http://www.philstewart.org/wp-content/themes/phil-theme/img/comments.gif" alt="" /> <a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-top-secret-creative-juices/#respond" title="Comment on Office Hobo - Top Secret Creative Juices">No Comments »</a></p> </div> <div class="item"> <h1><a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-pigeon-detergent/" rel="bookmark" title="Permanent Link to Office Hobo - Pigeon Detergent">Office Hobo - Pigeon Detergent</a></h1> <small><img src="http://www.philstewart.org/wp-content/themes/phil-theme/img/timeicon.gif" alt="" /> December 5th, 2006 by <img src="http://www.philstewart.org/wp-content/themes/phil-theme/img/author.gif" alt="" /> Phil Stewart </small> <div class="entry"> <p>Well, I tried <a title="Office Hobo - The Toga Thing" href="http://www.philstewart.org/2006/12/office-hobo-typewriter-toga/">the toga thing</a>, but it didn't go very well. My boss' shifty eye didn't like it very much and I couldn't stay busy because togas don't have pockets for my sauce packets. My typewriter didn't think of that! Plus, I think my toga cleaning detergent is bad. I probably need more pigeons.</p> <p>I am doing some more calculations now but I am not sure what they lead to yet. Probably not candy or togas. Maybe it is gravy. We will find out soon enough because I like gravy.</p> <p>I can't believe how busy I have been. The toga thing was good, and I almost completed some projects with it. I have already filled out the notes on my TPS report! That puts me way ahead but I still have a lot to do. I was going to lose the toga but I found a sauce packet in my hidden underwear pocket and it was already warmed up and everything! So that got me going and I got to keep the toga.</p> <p>I will find a new project soon and some pockets for my sauce packets. Maybe some heated underwear pockets. Oh, and I need to pick up some cheetos for the goldfish.</p> <p>What a good day!</p> <p><!--wp comment--></p> <p><a href="http://www.philstewart.org/2006/12/office-hobo-top-secret-creative-juices/"><< NEXT Office Hobo - Top Secret Creative Juices</a></p> <p><a href="http://www.philstewart.org/2006/12/office-hobo-typewriter-toga/">>> PREVIOUS Office Hobo - Typewriter Toga</a></p> </div> <p align="right"> <a href="http://www.stumbleupon.com/submit?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-pigeon-detergent/&title=Office Hobo - Pigeon Detergent"><img src="/images/linkicons/stumbleit.gif" border='0' alt='Stumble This Post'></a> <a href="http://digg.com/submit?phase=3&url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-pigeon-detergent/" target="_blank" title="Add Story to DiggIt!"><img alt='DiggIt!' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/digg.png'/></a> <a href='http://del.icio.us/post?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-pigeon-detergent/&title=Office Hobo - Pigeon Detergent' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Del.icio.us'><img alt='Del.icio.us' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/delicious.png'/></a> <a href='http://myweb2.search.yahoo.com/myresults/bookmarklet?u=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-pigeon-detergent/&=Office Hobo - Pigeon Detergent' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Yahoo web'><img alt='Yahoo' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/yahoo.png'/></a> <a href='http://reddit.com/submit?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-pigeon-detergent/&title=Office Hobo - Pigeon Detergent' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Reddit'><img alt='Reddit' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/reddit.gif'/></a> <a href='http://www.newsvine.com/_tools/seed&save?u=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-pigeon-detergent/&h=Office Hobo - Pigeon Detergent' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Newsvine'><img alt='Newsvine' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/newsvine.png'/></a> <a href='http://www.technorati.com/cosmos/search.html?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-pigeon-detergent/' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Technorati'><img alt='Technorati' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/technorati.png'/></a> </p> <p class="info">Posted in <a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/category/office-hobo-funny-stories/" title="View all posts in Office Hobo - Funny Stories" rel="category tag">Office Hobo - Funny Stories</a>, <a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/category/phils-blog/" title="View all posts in Phil's Blog" rel="category tag">Phil's Blog</a> <strong>|</strong> <img src="http://www.philstewart.org/wp-content/themes/phil-theme/img/comments.gif" alt="" /> <a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-pigeon-detergent/#respond" title="Comment on Office Hobo - Pigeon Detergent">No Comments »</a></p> </div> <div class="item"> <h1><a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-typewriter-toga/" rel="bookmark" title="Permanent Link to Office Hobo - Typewriter Toga">Office Hobo - Typewriter Toga</a></h1> <small><img src="http://www.philstewart.org/wp-content/themes/phil-theme/img/timeicon.gif" alt="" /> December 4th, 2006 by <img src="http://www.philstewart.org/wp-content/themes/phil-theme/img/author.gif" alt="" /> Phil Stewart </small> <div class="entry"> <p>After a whole bunch of work and sucking down almost all of my sauce packets, I have finally come to a conclusion while doing some mad calculations on my typewriter. The conclusion: I need to wear a toga to work. Even the mutant goldfish thinks it's a good idea and everybody loves a toga. I'm trying to do a whole bunch of work and not get fired so I will need one that's wicked bad.</p> <p>The toga conclusion came after my unmentionables quit printing and I ran out of clothes to wear while working under the stairwell. I need clothes so I don't get fired. I tried to buy some clothes down the street but I haven't got paid yet and they wouldn't take cheetos or a Wicked Bad Mega-Sucker (tm). And Cracky closed his laundromat last week so I can't clean what I got. I think Cracky had a raid and some bad roaches. We need a roach game.We don't have a washing machine at work but I've got a bucket, some paint chips, and a dead pigeon (don't worry, he is ok with it). My typewriter says I should be able to keep a toga clean, and should wear it to work every day. I sure hope I can keep it clean because I only have one pigeon.</p> <p>So this is my new plan to get ahead at work. Maybe someday I can get a Nacho Cheese and Salsa Factory, but for now I will eat sauce packets and wear my toga to work. I sure hope my calculations are correct.</p> <p>What a good day!</p> <p><!--wp--></p> <p><a href="http://www.philstewart.org/2006/12/office-hobo-pigeon-detergent/"><< NEXT Office Hobo - Pigeon Detergent</a></p> <p><a href="http://www.philstewart.org/2006/12/office-hobo-mean-old-blackbeard/">>> PREVIOUS Office Hobo - Mean Old Blackbeard</a></p> </div> <p align="right"> <a href="http://www.stumbleupon.com/submit?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-typewriter-toga/&title=Office Hobo - Typewriter Toga"><img src="/images/linkicons/stumbleit.gif" border='0' alt='Stumble This Post'></a> <a href="http://digg.com/submit?phase=3&url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-typewriter-toga/" target="_blank" title="Add Story to DiggIt!"><img alt='DiggIt!' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/digg.png'/></a> <a href='http://del.icio.us/post?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-typewriter-toga/&title=Office Hobo - Typewriter Toga' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Del.icio.us'><img alt='Del.icio.us' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/delicious.png'/></a> <a href='http://myweb2.search.yahoo.com/myresults/bookmarklet?u=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-typewriter-toga/&=Office Hobo - Typewriter Toga' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Yahoo web'><img alt='Yahoo' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/yahoo.png'/></a> <a href='http://reddit.com/submit?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-typewriter-toga/&title=Office Hobo - Typewriter Toga' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Reddit'><img alt='Reddit' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/reddit.gif'/></a> <a href='http://www.newsvine.com/_tools/seed&save?u=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-typewriter-toga/&h=Office Hobo - Typewriter Toga' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Newsvine'><img alt='Newsvine' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/newsvine.png'/></a> <a href='http://www.technorati.com/cosmos/search.html?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-typewriter-toga/' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Technorati'><img alt='Technorati' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/technorati.png'/></a> </p> <p class="info">Posted in <a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/category/office-hobo-funny-stories/" title="View all posts in Office Hobo - Funny Stories" rel="category tag">Office Hobo - Funny Stories</a>, <a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/category/phils-blog/" title="View all posts in Phil's Blog" rel="category tag">Phil's Blog</a> <strong>|</strong> <img src="http://www.philstewart.org/wp-content/themes/phil-theme/img/comments.gif" alt="" /> <a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-typewriter-toga/#comments" title="Comment on Office Hobo - Typewriter Toga">1 Comment »</a></p> </div> <div class="item"> <h1><a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-mean-old-blackbeard/" rel="bookmark" title="Permanent Link to Office Hobo - Mean Old Blackbeard">Office Hobo - Mean Old Blackbeard</a></h1> <small><img src="http://www.philstewart.org/wp-content/themes/phil-theme/img/timeicon.gif" alt="" /> December 1st, 2006 by <img src="http://www.philstewart.org/wp-content/themes/phil-theme/img/author.gif" alt="" /> Phil Stewart </small> <div class="entry"> <p>I got really mean and wicked bad today. It was after drinking a couple shots of sauce packets and gunpowder, which is something I do when I have to get mean and wicked bad. Almost like I was mean old Blackbeard, except I have a typewriter and like to print unmentionables. Boy do those sauce packets go good with some gunpowder.</p> <p>After getting some patented go sauce and doing some mad calculations on my typewriter, I went looking for more work to do. I gotta keep busy, and sauce packets keep me busy. Nacho Cheese and Salsa Factories keep me busy too, but I can't be busy for one of those right now. Mainly because I have busy sauce packet stuff to do.</p> <p>I sure have been accomplishing a lot at work lately. They moved me under a new stairwell, which is good. This one has less traffic. There is one stinky guy that passes by though. He squeaks when he walks and I think he might be after my sauce packets. But I don't think I have much to worry about because my mutant goldfish is guarding them. Don't tell anyone.</p> <p>What a good day!</p> <p><!--wp--></p> <p><a href="http://www.philstewart.org/2006/12/office-hobo-typewriter-toga/"><< NEXT Office Hobo - Typewriter Toga</a></p> <p><a href="http://www.philstewart.org/2006/11/office-hobo-monkey-on-crack/">>> PREVIOUS Office Hobo - Monkey on Crack</a></p> </div> <p align="right"> <a href="http://www.stumbleupon.com/submit?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-mean-old-blackbeard/&title=Office Hobo - Mean Old Blackbeard"><img src="/images/linkicons/stumbleit.gif" border='0' alt='Stumble This Post'></a> <a href="http://digg.com/submit?phase=3&url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-mean-old-blackbeard/" target="_blank" title="Add Story to DiggIt!"><img alt='DiggIt!' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/digg.png'/></a> <a href='http://del.icio.us/post?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-mean-old-blackbeard/&title=Office Hobo - Mean Old Blackbeard' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Del.icio.us'><img alt='Del.icio.us' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/delicious.png'/></a> <a href='http://myweb2.search.yahoo.com/myresults/bookmarklet?u=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-mean-old-blackbeard/&=Office Hobo - Mean Old Blackbeard' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Yahoo web'><img alt='Yahoo' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/yahoo.png'/></a> <a href='http://reddit.com/submit?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-mean-old-blackbeard/&title=Office Hobo - Mean Old Blackbeard' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Reddit'><img alt='Reddit' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/reddit.gif'/></a> <a href='http://www.newsvine.com/_tools/seed&save?u=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-mean-old-blackbeard/&h=Office Hobo - Mean Old Blackbeard' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Newsvine'><img alt='Newsvine' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/newsvine.png'/></a> <a href='http://www.technorati.com/cosmos/search.html?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-mean-old-blackbeard/' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Technorati'><img alt='Technorati' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/technorati.png'/></a> </p> <p class="info">Posted in <a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/category/office-hobo-funny-stories/" title="View all posts in Office Hobo - Funny Stories" rel="category tag">Office Hobo - Funny Stories</a>, <a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/category/phils-blog/" title="View all posts in Phil's Blog" rel="category tag">Phil's Blog</a> <strong>|</strong> <img src="http://www.philstewart.org/wp-content/themes/phil-theme/img/comments.gif" alt="" /> <a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/12/office-hobo-mean-old-blackbeard/#respond" title="Comment on Office Hobo - Mean Old Blackbeard">No Comments »</a></p> </div> <div class="item"> <h1><a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-monkey-on-crack/" rel="bookmark" title="Permanent Link to Office Hobo - Monkey On Crack">Office Hobo - Monkey On Crack</a></h1> <small><img src="http://www.philstewart.org/wp-content/themes/phil-theme/img/timeicon.gif" alt="" /> November 12th, 2006 by <img src="http://www.philstewart.org/wp-content/themes/phil-theme/img/author.gif" alt="" /> Phil Stewart </small> <div class="entry"> <p><meta content="text/html; charset=utf-8" http-equiv="CONTENT-TYPE" /><title /><meta content="OpenOffice.org 1.9.104 (Linux)" name="GENERATOR" /><meta content="20061103;23391200" name="CREATED" /><meta content="20061105;233000" name="CHANGED" /><br /> <style> <!-- @page { size: 8.5in 11in; margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } --> </style> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in">Multitasking is everything in the virtual world. Or so says my boss... “It's the only way you can keep Bill Gates from reading your thoughts.” My boss is cool with information like that so he gets a real computer, one with power and everything. And he said Bill Gates personally installs listening devices in every new computer. It's a world galactic thing, so it must be true! The only way to fight this is by multitasking and being busy. Or having a nacho cheese and salsa factory.</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in">My boss chooses to multitask. Bob said my boss is a monkey on crack when he multitasks on a computer. I'm not sure what a monkey on crack is like but I think it has to do with nursery rhymes. I will have to store it on the typewriter and analyze it later. But I believe Bob because he is always doing <a title="Bob doing top secret grabber type stuff" href="http://www.nethermore.com/blog/?p=80">top secret grabber type stuff</a> and has inside knowledge that you can only pretend to make up. It's that good!</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in">So we will implement new policies and attempt to multitask like monkeys on crack. It's a good job and I can't wait for the new policies. I think the sales guy knows someone who could come in and help the company implement these policies. He always knows people to come in and spend money. They come in and make big stuff almost happen and then it makes the sales guy and his friends so happy that they end up passed out drunk in a Mexican prison. Only twice so far but it is always good.</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in">What a good day!</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in"> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in"><a href="http://www.philstewart.org/2006/12/office-hobo-mean-old-blackbeard/"><<  NEXT Office Hobo - Mean Old Blackbeard</a></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in"><a href="http://www.philstewart.org/2006/11/office-hobo-multitasking/">>>  PREVIOUS Office Hobo - Multitasking</a></p> </div> <p align="right"> <a href="http://www.stumbleupon.com/submit?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-monkey-on-crack/&title=Office Hobo - Monkey On Crack"><img src="/images/linkicons/stumbleit.gif" border='0' alt='Stumble This Post'></a> <a href="http://digg.com/submit?phase=3&url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-monkey-on-crack/" target="_blank" title="Add Story to DiggIt!"><img alt='DiggIt!' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/digg.png'/></a> <a href='http://del.icio.us/post?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-monkey-on-crack/&title=Office Hobo - Monkey On Crack' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Del.icio.us'><img alt='Del.icio.us' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/delicious.png'/></a> <a href='http://myweb2.search.yahoo.com/myresults/bookmarklet?u=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-monkey-on-crack/&=Office Hobo - Monkey On Crack' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Yahoo web'><img alt='Yahoo' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/yahoo.png'/></a> <a href='http://reddit.com/submit?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-monkey-on-crack/&title=Office Hobo - Monkey On Crack' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Reddit'><img alt='Reddit' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/reddit.gif'/></a> <a href='http://www.newsvine.com/_tools/seed&save?u=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-monkey-on-crack/&h=Office Hobo - Monkey On Crack' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Newsvine'><img alt='Newsvine' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/newsvine.png'/></a> <a href='http://www.technorati.com/cosmos/search.html?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-monkey-on-crack/' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Technorati'><img alt='Technorati' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/technorati.png'/></a> </p> <p class="info">Posted in <a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/category/office-hobo-funny-stories/" title="View all posts in Office Hobo - Funny Stories" rel="category tag">Office Hobo - Funny Stories</a>, <a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/category/phils-blog/" title="View all posts in Phil's Blog" rel="category tag">Phil's Blog</a> <strong>|</strong> <img src="http://www.philstewart.org/wp-content/themes/phil-theme/img/comments.gif" alt="" /> <a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-monkey-on-crack/#comments" title="Comment on Office Hobo - Monkey On Crack">2 Comments »</a></p> </div> <div class="item"> <h1><a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-multitasking/" rel="bookmark" title="Permanent Link to Office Hobo - Multitasking">Office Hobo - Multitasking</a></h1> <small><img src="http://www.philstewart.org/wp-content/themes/phil-theme/img/timeicon.gif" alt="" /> November 12th, 2006 by <img src="http://www.philstewart.org/wp-content/themes/phil-theme/img/author.gif" alt="" /> Phil Stewart </small> <div class="entry"> <p><meta http-equiv="CONTENT-TYPE" content="text/html; charset=utf-8" /><title /><meta name="GENERATOR" content="OpenOffice.org 1.9.104 (Linux)" /><meta name="CREATED" content="20061103;23391200" /><meta name="CHANGED" content="20061105;233000" /><br /> <style> <!-- @page { size: 8.5in 11in; margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } --> </style> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in">I keep talking about my boss but that's because he's so busy, he's everywhere. It's called multitasking. I wish I could do it as well as him. But I'm not so good. I tried to manage people like him but I can't do it nearly as long. He's so good at being busy I'll bet he has a nacho cheese and salsa factory somewhere. A big one.</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in">I finally got my typewriter connected to the network again. It's about time, I've got unmentionables to print! Everything here is so cool. It's like my job came back in time to get me and now I'm busy doing stuff and keeping busy. It's a good job. We got a free lunch again today but I didn't get one. Just more work. It's so good to have job security and a nice boss who gives us free lunches. I still don't like his shifty eye but I stored some files on my typewriter about that. My typewriter has a shifty eye too.</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in">There's not a whole lot going on right now. Just a bunch of printing and multitasking. I have two TPS reports but they are short and one is green. But it's not Jello.</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in">My boss had another problem for me the other day. All my multitasking produced a shortage of blue on the internet and some text on our website needed more blue. This one was a really tough problem since the text was already blue. What would you do? I did calculations on my typewriter, it was good. Then I sniffed some smells in my pocket. I had saved them for a while so they weren't quite right, but still good. Man, I need my sniffing straw! I'll bet my boss has one just because he's cool like that.</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in">What a good boss!</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in"> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in"><a href="http://www.philstewart.org/2006/11/office-hobo-monkey-on-crack/"><<  NEXT Office Hobo - Monkey on Crack</a></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in"><a href="http://www.philstewart.org/2006/11/office-hobo-broken-stuff/">>>  PREVIOUS Office Hobo - Broken Stuff</a></p> </div> <p align="right"> <a href="http://www.stumbleupon.com/submit?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-multitasking/&title=Office Hobo - Multitasking"><img src="/images/linkicons/stumbleit.gif" border='0' alt='Stumble This Post'></a> <a href="http://digg.com/submit?phase=3&url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-multitasking/" target="_blank" title="Add Story to DiggIt!"><img alt='DiggIt!' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/digg.png'/></a> <a href='http://del.icio.us/post?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-multitasking/&title=Office Hobo - Multitasking' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Del.icio.us'><img alt='Del.icio.us' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/delicious.png'/></a> <a href='http://myweb2.search.yahoo.com/myresults/bookmarklet?u=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-multitasking/&=Office Hobo - Multitasking' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Yahoo web'><img alt='Yahoo' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/yahoo.png'/></a> <a href='http://reddit.com/submit?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-multitasking/&title=Office Hobo - Multitasking' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Reddit'><img alt='Reddit' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/reddit.gif'/></a> <a href='http://www.newsvine.com/_tools/seed&save?u=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-multitasking/&h=Office Hobo - Multitasking' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Newsvine'><img alt='Newsvine' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/newsvine.png'/></a> <a href='http://www.technorati.com/cosmos/search.html?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-multitasking/' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Technorati'><img alt='Technorati' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/technorati.png'/></a> </p> <p class="info">Posted in <a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/category/office-hobo-funny-stories/" title="View all posts in Office Hobo - Funny Stories" rel="category tag">Office Hobo - Funny Stories</a>, <a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/category/phils-blog/" title="View all posts in Phil's Blog" rel="category tag">Phil's Blog</a> <strong>|</strong> <img src="http://www.philstewart.org/wp-content/themes/phil-theme/img/comments.gif" alt="" /> <a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-multitasking/#respond" title="Comment on Office Hobo - Multitasking">No Comments »</a></p> </div> <div class="item"> <h1><a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-broken-stuff/" rel="bookmark" title="Permanent Link to Office Hobo - Broken Stuff">Office Hobo - Broken Stuff</a></h1> <small><img src="http://www.philstewart.org/wp-content/themes/phil-theme/img/timeicon.gif" alt="" /> November 12th, 2006 by <img src="http://www.philstewart.org/wp-content/themes/phil-theme/img/author.gif" alt="" /> Phil Stewart </small> <div class="entry"> <p><meta http-equiv="CONTENT-TYPE" content="text/html; charset=utf-8" /><title /><meta name="GENERATOR" content="OpenOffice.org 1.9.104 (Linux)" /><meta name="CREATED" content="20061103;23391200" /><meta name="CHANGED" content="20061105;233000" /><br /> <style> <!-- @page { size: 8.5in 11in; margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } --> </style> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in">My boss keeps breaking things and it's such a problem, they gave him wheat grass medication for it, with gravy. The boss keeps finding things to run over with his car. Or destroy or damage or mangle in some other way. It's great fun. And he loves wheat grass!</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in">The best part is, all his equipment works after he ruins it. Sometimes even better than before. Like his laptop fell in the bathtub with him. It was great and he only had three of four lasting side effects. The laptop turned out great too. Like stinky good.</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in">I don't know where the goldfish in the screen came from but it is getting big. It just swims around and does circus tricks when the screen is turned on. I hung the screen on my wall, right under the stairs to the fire escape. It's a great location.</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in">I may invent a wicked bad space portal (tm) with the laptop later. The goldfish may be involved.</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in">What a good job!</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in"> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in"><a href="http://www.philstewart.org/2006/11/office-hobo-multitasking/"><<  NEXT Office Hobo - Multitasking</a></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in"><a href="http://www.philstewart.org/2006/11/office-hobo-free-lunch/">>>  PREVIOUS Office Hobo - Free Lunch</a></p> </div> <p align="right"> <a href="http://www.stumbleupon.com/submit?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-broken-stuff/&title=Office Hobo - Broken Stuff"><img src="/images/linkicons/stumbleit.gif" border='0' alt='Stumble This Post'></a> <a href="http://digg.com/submit?phase=3&url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-broken-stuff/" target="_blank" title="Add Story to DiggIt!"><img alt='DiggIt!' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/digg.png'/></a> <a href='http://del.icio.us/post?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-broken-stuff/&title=Office Hobo - Broken Stuff' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Del.icio.us'><img alt='Del.icio.us' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/delicious.png'/></a> <a href='http://myweb2.search.yahoo.com/myresults/bookmarklet?u=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-broken-stuff/&=Office Hobo - Broken Stuff' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Yahoo web'><img alt='Yahoo' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/yahoo.png'/></a> <a href='http://reddit.com/submit?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-broken-stuff/&title=Office Hobo - Broken Stuff' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Reddit'><img alt='Reddit' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/reddit.gif'/></a> <a href='http://www.newsvine.com/_tools/seed&save?u=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-broken-stuff/&h=Office Hobo - Broken Stuff' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Newsvine'><img alt='Newsvine' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/newsvine.png'/></a> <a href='http://www.technorati.com/cosmos/search.html?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-broken-stuff/' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Technorati'><img alt='Technorati' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/technorati.png'/></a> </p> <p class="info">Posted in <a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/category/office-hobo-funny-stories/" title="View all posts in Office Hobo - Funny Stories" rel="category tag">Office Hobo - Funny Stories</a>, <a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/category/phils-blog/" title="View all posts in Phil's Blog" rel="category tag">Phil's Blog</a> <strong>|</strong> <img src="http://www.philstewart.org/wp-content/themes/phil-theme/img/comments.gif" alt="" /> <a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-broken-stuff/#respond" title="Comment on Office Hobo - Broken Stuff">No Comments »</a></p> </div> <div class="item"> <h1><a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-free-lunch/" rel="bookmark" title="Permanent Link to Office Hobo - Free Lunch">Office Hobo - Free Lunch</a></h1> <small><img src="http://www.philstewart.org/wp-content/themes/phil-theme/img/timeicon.gif" alt="" /> November 12th, 2006 by <img src="http://www.philstewart.org/wp-content/themes/phil-theme/img/author.gif" alt="" /> Phil Stewart </small> <div class="entry"> <p><meta content="text/html; charset=utf-8" http-equiv="CONTENT-TYPE" /><title /><meta content="OpenOffice.org 1.9.104 (Linux)" name="GENERATOR" /><meta content="20061103;23391200" name="CREATED" /><meta content="20061105;233000" name="CHANGED" /><br /> <style> <!-- @page { size: 8.5in 11in; margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } --> </style> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in"><strong>Free Lunch</strong></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in">My boss is so cool. Except for his evil eye of course. He travels a lot and so he gets his own rubber band and doorknob exercise system and even has a portable hair dryer. For his hair! What a good boss! One time the doorknob beat him up but that is another story.</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in">Today he decided to buy lunch for everyone. It was great except I didn't get anything. They gave me more work instead. Which is good, since my typewriter needs stuff to stay busy and not waste chip cycles. I hear they are expensive and I don't want to get fired already. Plus we got a free lunch today.</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in">I think someone was messing with me again since I have good equipment and come up with all the cutting edge inventions. You should see my list! Only it's private and I can't show you the unmentionables. They might show themselves when the time is right. Maybe I can do some calculations on my typewriter to decide.</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in">I had to reboot the typewriter earlier and the 'Any' key is missing again so I need to look out for who did this. Why would they take that key? I need it for the database access. It was probably that shifty lazy eye. I'll bet he has his own private doorknob exercise system too.</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in">What a good day!</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in"> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in"><a href="http://www.philstewart.org/2006/11/office-hobo-broken-stuff/"><< NEXT Office Hobo - Broken Stuff</a></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in"><a href="http://www.philstewart.org/2006/10/office-hobo-making-deals/">>> PREVIOUS Office Hobo - Making Deals</a></p> </div> <p align="right"> <a href="http://www.stumbleupon.com/submit?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-free-lunch/&title=Office Hobo - Free Lunch"><img src="/images/linkicons/stumbleit.gif" border='0' alt='Stumble This Post'></a> <a href="http://digg.com/submit?phase=3&url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-free-lunch/" target="_blank" title="Add Story to DiggIt!"><img alt='DiggIt!' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/digg.png'/></a> <a href='http://del.icio.us/post?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-free-lunch/&title=Office Hobo - Free Lunch' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Del.icio.us'><img alt='Del.icio.us' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/delicious.png'/></a> <a href='http://myweb2.search.yahoo.com/myresults/bookmarklet?u=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-free-lunch/&=Office Hobo - Free Lunch' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Yahoo web'><img alt='Yahoo' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/yahoo.png'/></a> <a href='http://reddit.com/submit?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-free-lunch/&title=Office Hobo - Free Lunch' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Reddit'><img alt='Reddit' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/reddit.gif'/></a> <a href='http://www.newsvine.com/_tools/seed&save?u=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-free-lunch/&h=Office Hobo - Free Lunch' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Newsvine'><img alt='Newsvine' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/newsvine.png'/></a> <a href='http://www.technorati.com/cosmos/search.html?url=http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-free-lunch/' target='_blank' title='Add Story to Technorati'><img alt='Technorati' border='0' src='http://www.philstewart.org/images/linkicons/technorati.png'/></a> </p> <p class="info">Posted in <a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/category/office-hobo-funny-stories/" title="View all posts in Office Hobo - Funny Stories" rel="category tag">Office Hobo - Funny Stories</a>, <a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/category/phils-blog/" title="View all posts in Phil's Blog" rel="category tag">Phil's Blog</a> <strong>|</strong> <img src="http://www.philstewart.org/wp-content/themes/phil-theme/img/comments.gif" alt="" /> <a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/2006/11/office-hobo-free-lunch/#respond" title="Comment on Office Hobo - Free Lunch">No Comments »</a></p> </div> <p align="center"><a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php/category/office-hobo-funny-stories/page/2/">« Previous Entries</a> </p> </div> <div class="sidenav"> <h1>Support PhilStewart.org</h1> <ul> <li><a href="http://www.philstewart.org/donate-to-philstewart-org/">Donate</a></li> <li><a href="http://www.philstewart.org/stinky-hobo-stories/">Stinky Hobo Stories</a></li> <li><a href="http://www.philstewart.org/stinky-hobo-return-of-the-jikkom/">Return of the Jikkom</a></li> <li><a href="http://www.philstewart.org/hobo-name-generator/">Hobo Name Generator</a></li> <li><a href="http://www.philstewart.org/contact.php">Contact Phil Stewart</a></li> <li><a href="http://www.philstewart.org/blog.php">Phil's Blog</a></li> </ul> <br> <div align=center> <strong><a href="http://www.bluehost.com/track/nitroshock/pblogtext"><img src="/images/bluehost.png" border="0">BlueHost.com</a></strong> was voted best support in <em>2004, 2005 & 2006</em>! 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