Hobo Newswire - Second Edition, twice removed

After decades of collecting and years of submitting samples to the Guinness Book of World Records, local fragrant vagrant known as Stinky Hobo has set a world record for his collection of used chewing gum.  The collection comes to an estimated 5.3 tons and is stored using “unmentionable” methods in a variety of garbage cans, boxes, and miscellaneous containers.

Stinky Hobo’s recent achievement knocks legendary gum collector John McCain’s one-hundred-seventy-five year old record out of the books.  When asked about his drop from grace, the former champion stated “I eat and collect gum but it is not enough to beat this full-time hobo.  He is dedicated to used gum collecting and we value his strange abilities.”

Stinky Hobo’s agent, Mr. Cracky McBling issued a statement earlier today that thanked Guinness for their recognition and demanded tacos, two pigeons, and a turnip as a sacrificial donation.  Although it is rumored that Guinness made a counter offer involving hamsters and onions, no official documents can back these claims.  It is believed a compromise can and will be reached as soon as the pet stores open Monday morning.

In other news, Stinky Hobo has just announced his intentions of breaking the record for most sauce packets collected.  He is already nearing halfway on his journey of taking the world record from current holder, Julio Edwardo.  Julio has held the record since childhood, when inheriting an estimated $1.2 million in sauce packet fortunes from his deceased parents. After going on a worldwide sauce packet binge, Julio was last seen in the Bahamas shouting frantically about locations where the remaining sauce packets were (supposedly) buried.

Stinky Hobo says he holds a map to three of these treasured sauce packet mother-lodes, but claims he can break the record the old fashioned way if needs be.

“I collect sauce packets, and suck on them for powers you could never understand.  It’s one of the things I do, and I’m good at what I do.  Plus the dead dog will help me out so that’s one-and-a-half people collecting only one thing.  Math proves that’s only a matter of time to break the record.  Cracky just needs to come through on those tacos and pigeons.”

Stinky Hobo also wanted to add “What a good day.”

No further comment is desired at all.  Period, end of story.