Hobo Newswire – (Sometime before the time you start reading this)

In a seemingly endless avalanche of bank failures, the local Hobotown Bank added their name to the list by filing for bankruptcy early Monday morning.  The move flies in the face of typical bank failure rules, which explicitly state a bank should only fail on a Friday or weekend as to leave depositors helpless and hopeless for as long as possible.

The most interesting thing of note in the Hobotown Bank failure is that the bank foreclosed on itself and brought on its own bankruptcy.  When new management was brought in earlier this year, they quickly implemented policies to foreclose on all delinquent and dead-beat accounts.  The new policies caused the bank to foreclose on 1,300 of its own branches and resell their main office building at a fire-sale auction.  It turns out the bank had been lending money to itself for some time, and was quite poor at paying back the debt.  They also had problems with sending bad checks or coupons and stickers as payment.

When asked about the decision to foreclose on their own bank, CEO Bernard Bershard said “You do what you gotta do to make things work, and I did what I gotta did.  We were bleeding millions of dollars because of our sub-prime loans and dead-beat accounts so the only thing to do was to get rid of them.  Well, I got rid of them, we foreclosed on them all.  And now those suckers will pay.”

When reminded that Mr. Bershard had foreclosed on his own company and that he was one of those "suckers who will pay”, Bershard stated “I’ll turn this company around and then you’ll see.  My name isn’t Bernard Bershard for nothing!”

Little did Mr. Bershard know that all remaining assets of Hoboland Bank have already been sold to foreign investors representing Banco de Nicaragua.  Mr. Bershard’s car was also being towed for illegally parking across two handicap spaces.

Customers of Hobotown Bank were told not to worry about their money.  Their deposits are supposedly safe somewhere, just not here.  Depositors were also told to contact Nicaragua for further instructions.

We were too lazy to dig up any further information for this report.