Hobo Newswire - August of the current year
This gruesome news just came in and it doesn’t look good for these iconic toys of yester-year.  Apparently a rogue Teddy Ruxpin talking bear has brutally disfigured and or murdered up to 17 Cabbage Patch Kids in three different counties.

Initial reports are vague but it is believed the Ruxpin in question may have been mentally and physically abused at the manufacturing plant.  The odd probes and tools required to assemble a Ruxpin, along with the painful insertion of motors and wires, almost assures the toy will turn evil within the first few months.  It is unknown how many Teddy Ruxpins are evil, but the numbers are presumed staggering.

“We’ve had 2,633 Cabbage Patch Kids go missing over the years,” said Hobo County Police Chief Cracky McBling.  “So it makes sense that Teddy Ruxpins are responsible for at least 1,921.  You can guarantee that’s a lot of evil Ruxpins.”

The news follows on the footsteps of the notorious serial killer Wooly Whatsit – a hand puppet believed to have choked over three-hundred barbie dolls and other assorted toys in a nationwide crime-spree spanning two decades and 21 states.

The investigation is ongoing and we will bring you the latest as we hear more.