Hobo Newswire – 21 Minutes Ago

Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe expressed outrage at the west in his latest successful attempt to destroy his own country. Last Friday, Mugabe ran uncontested in the nation’s presidential election, after his competition withdrew due to being threatened by violence, big guns, and a promise of increased super-noogies.

“The west can hang a thousand times,” exclaimed Mugabe, obviously outraged that the outside world no longer accepts the worthless paper he is trying to pass as currency. In fact, not even Zimbabwean citizens accept the money anymore, preferring to deal in toilet paper, super glue, and cardboard – anything that has more value than Zimbabwe’s dollar.

Mugabe’s rule has lasted almost two-hundred years, dating back to a time when John McCain was simply an old man. But it is not until recent times that he started this path of internal destruction. Taking a cue from the United States, Mugabe destroyed any and all manufacturing capabilities the country had, following that up with a “Strong Dollar” policy - which is political speak for “debasing the currency as rapidly as possible by continually printing dollars to support radical non-sense and extravagant lifestyles of supporters”. All the while assuring the public that inflation is under control and to go back to your video games and Big Mac’s – There is nothing to worry about.

Friday’s election ended in a defeat for Mugabe, yet he still remains president since winning the election is no longer a requirement in the political arena. Apparently control of the nation’s corporations, economy, and military power are of much greater influence than a mere popularity vote – Just ask George Bush and Dick Cheney.

So who won the election? Tsvangirai won the initial election, but Mugabe had some extra sugar in his britches that day and called Shenanigans on the vote. In the re-vote held last Friday, Tsvangirai withdrew which left the majority of votes to American Ross Perot and his spiffy pie-charts. Mugabe received a total of two votes – One from himself, and one from a brain-dead monkey who got confused by the complicated voting process.

Still, Mugabe remains in power, Zimbabwe faces unprecedented hyper-inflation, commodity prices double every 21 minutes, and 100 million (Zimbabwean) dollar notes are more valuable as toilet paper than as currency. It seems that Zimbabwe’s only hope is that Mugabe doesn’t live as long as John McCain.