Today the U.S. Federal Reserve Chairman, Ben “Behind the times” Bernanke, slapped Webster's Dictionary with a fourteen-trillion dollar ($2.50 Canadian) fine for using words he claims do not exist. One word in particular, “recession”, was highlighted in the 712 page decision handed down by Brain-dead Ben as “repulsive, foul, and quite frankly, unpossible”.

This is only the latest act in a nonstop bag of circus tricks used by the Federal Reserve and Treasury Secretary to convince the American public that there is no such thing as a recession. And if there was such a thing, it certainly can't happen to us. I mean, just look at all the money we're spending.

Bozo Ben also demanded that Webster Dictionary remove the words “hyper-inflation”, “stagflation”, and any references to logic and common sense.

When asked about his decision to remove long-standing words from the dictionary and punish dictionary publishers for their use, Mr. Bernanke set down his can of huffing paint and replied: “This is good for the American people... better than our Strong Dollar policy that has destroyed the U.S. currency. I don't see anything wrong... and now, neither will you.”

Not all people are convinced the Fed's latest tactics will work, but supporters praised the move. U.S. Treasury Secretary Henry “Hyper-Inflation” Paulson backed up Bernanke's decision by saying “Now you all believe me... you have to. There is no problem and even if there was, you can't point to it because the words no longer exist. I praise Mr. Bernanke's visionary methods for keeping with the traditions of the Federal Reserve in screwing the American public.”

President Bush was unavailable for comment as he was too busy playing leap-frog with Condoleezza Rice while planning his latest campaign of shock and awe.