Today I noticed that a lot of people who visit this site are looking for funny office stories and other assorted office humor. While the Office Hobo provides his own unique brand of off-beat humor, I thought I'd start a new section devoted to a slightly less insane view of the workplace. So sit back and enjoy the first segment of Funny Office Stories, where everything is out of the norm, yet things are just as they should be.

My boss is a real winner. Like the type of winner where it's a victory when he manages to get dressed in the morning. The guy doesn't have a clue, and couldn't hang onto one if it was stapled to his hand. But maybe I'm being too hard on him. After all, he is the owner of a small company that rode the brink of bankruptcy for the last ten years yet has somehow managed to not go belly-up. So I guess there's something to be said about the ability to destroy a company without actually filing bankruptcy. That takes real skill, or utter stupidity, I can't remember which.

Back to my boss. For the sake of this story, we'll call him, oh, how about... Doug. Doug is a tard, and nobody likes him. But he is a visionary genius in his own little world so I am pretty sure that counterbalances something somewhere. Just not sure what.
Now Doug likes to exercise his stupidity on a regular basis, and always manages to do something out of the norm that puts him in a preposterously ridiculous situation. And if you don't believe me, I've got two words for you – Doorknob Exerciser.

The Doorknob Exerciser is a manic contraption so goofy and odd you would never hear about it unless you happen to know someone like Doug. Only visionary CEOs have access to this stuff, and only the most genius among them can make these contraptions infamous within the workplace.
Doug has seventeen Doorknob Exercisers, including two of each type that's ever been made, and I'm pretty sure at least one is USB powered. So what exactly is a Doorknob Exerciser? I'm still not sure but it involves hooking rubber bands to a doorknob and doing technical stuff in an attempt at working out. All the Olympic bodybuilders (like Doug) do it.

So one day, Doug goes on a business trip to Las Vegas. It always amazes me how many business trips he takes to Vegas, considering we don't have any clients there. But maybe he is working on landing new clients, since the sales guy can't be bothered with that stuff.
Anyway, while in Vegas, Doug took time away from the portable hair dryer to try out his newest Doorknob Exerciser. Apparently this one was different than the others though, since you need to understand how it works in order to use it. Doug tried anyway, hooking all the rubber bands to the doorknob in his hotel room, taking him one step closer to the Olympics. But it was not to be. The doorknob came loose, flew across the room, and clocked Doug square on the chin, knocking him out cold. He's the only guy I know who can manage to pass out in a Vegas hotel room and truthfully say that no strippers or illegal substances were involved.

Doug regained consciousness several hours later with a pounding headache. His first thought was to hit the casino for a drink, but he was unable to figure out how to get out of a room with no doorknob. Things get a little blurry after that, and it is rumored that for a while he thought his name was Ming Li. Eventually he was arrested for harassing some soldiers but we were able to sort that out once things were explained and the missing doorknob returned.

In the end, Doug's chin may be scarred but his visionary attitude was not. He didn't learn anything because there was obviously nothing to learn here. But at least us schmucks back at the office have something to laugh about. And the really brave (or those who don't care about their jobs) have even given the boss a doorknob for Boss Appreciation Day. Doug still isn't sure what a doorknob has to do with appreciation, but he probably thinks we're just bad at picking out gifts.