I want to thank my brother Dan (Juan - The Milkman) for the following story. He e-mailed it to me and it's funny as heck. Dan runs the website VGToys.com, the coolest video game toy review site on these Internets. If you're into video games, check out some of the amazing stuff he finds. And now on to the news release:

Hobo Newswire:
Right now, I mean like RIGHT NOW!

In an undecisive decision by CBS execs, they are working on trying to decide to figure out how to release a new reality show called “America's Next Sumo Wrestler”. The show will replace Bob Barker's the Price is Right, and every detail has been planned except for the final cast. When confronted with deciding between Rosie O'Donnel, Drew Carey, Michael Moore, or a smashed pop can with a couple bugs stuck in the bottom, CBS executives leaned heavily towards the pop can.

“At first we were thinking Rosie,” said an anonymous CBS executard, “but we probably don't have enough tuna and spoiled meat to keep her happy. We can't compete with her reported intake levels, but maybe we could get her to compete for us. So we could put her up against the pop can, which is rumored to be her mortal enemy. We're just hoping she doesn't eat it.”

The reality show will consist of 23 and 1/3 episodes of “taco-eating contests and pignetical beauty pageants.” The contestants will be judged by a star-panel including Paris Hilton, Michael Jackson, and an angry British cow wearing spandex. Each week will include a mystery judge (but not Paula Abdul) picked at random from the gutters of downtown L.A. Contestants will also have to pitch a new spin on the already successful “Price Is Right” formula.

Asked about this new opportunity, Rosie O'Donnell stated, “It's all George Bush's fault. gurgle, gorble. He w'aht wrong with everything in, gurble, world. gorgle. BACON GREASE.” O'Donnell declined to comment on whether the new reality show would affect her current job at Sea World, where she was recently hired to perform underwater tricks after leaving The View.

“This is a great opportunity,” Drew Carey, the former host of 'Whose Line is it Anyway?' stated, “Everyone complains that my previous attempts at improv were more rancid than my underwear. Well I'll show them. Having a full time staff to write my jokes and a really, really slow teleprompter will help a lot.” He declined to comment about losing his performance contract with Sea World to O'Donnell.

America's Next Sumo Wrestler will air tomorrow for 87 straight hours on the CBS network. CBS stated the show had to be released immediately so they did not lose their target audience of women over the age of one hundred and ten. Rumors that the Home Shopping Network had stolen more than 90% of their target market since Bob Barker's retirement may have been a factor in the decision.