Hobo Newswire - February 27th, 2007
In an unprecedented move concerning things that aren't precedented, US President George W. Bush has signed into law his newest political disasterpiece, an unconditional and “fantasteric” bill declaring war on everything.

The new bill, which was never introduced to Congress, officially declares war on everything as of this morning. It is said that the President himself personally constructed the bill by writing it on a roll of old toilet paper and some tortilla chips. Rumors are also circulating that the final document is artfully glued together and decorated with three sequins and some half chewed macaroni noodles.

In a statement issued by the White House earlier, the President says, in part:

Ya'll ever had one of those 'genius moments' I hear about? You know, where everything, when everyone, um, well if you've had one then you would probably know. I think I had one of those genius moments last night. I wasn't sure at first but let me tell you, it was such a moment of time as a moment ever there was.
You see, it was this moment when I realized that we were just taking baby steps, like little tiny steps that a baby would make. But we shouldn't take baby steps, because we're not babies. Well, except for the babies. Most of them haven't overcome that yet.
And so, this bill takes those baby steps, and turns them into larger steps, which no baby could ever make. But we can, and we will. You see, I just declared war on everything. I'm like, the guy who just declared war on everything and then cut straight to the finish line. Pretty cool, huh? I just ended the game and we're the winner. It's so clever, I almost signed the bill twice.
So now we can end our problems by attacking them all at once. If they weren't problems, they will be, and then they won't, because we'll be done with them all and this bill will take care of that. I like mathematics like that, don't you?

Since the bill has no Congressional support, and the use of sequins on official documents was prohibited after several fatal accidents, it is unclear how the President plans to enforce his new war.

While the majority of Republicans support the new plan, insiders claim there is no real threat as they are just entertaining themselves by keeping the President busy. “You actually believe he'll accomplish anything?” one insider said with a maniacal laugh.

Several bums were stopped on the street for comment but those messages cannot be relayed due to an unexpected incident.

No further information is available at this time.