Microsoft released their newest (only) MP3 player a few weeks ago with mild fanfare, two screaming fat chicks, a scottish chimp, and a real creepy dude. The Zune looks like a stylistic copy of Apple's iPod, with a larger screen to suck down batteries and functionality that captures the familiarly frustrating Windows Experience (tm). The Zune even comes with a new Digital Rights Management (DRM) scheme to keep us from enjoying our own music. This flies in the face of Microsoft's own Plays-For-Sure technology, which doesn't Play-At-All on the Zune.

The whole thing reeks of a "me too" copycat mentality showing that Microsoft has no shame when it comes to making a buck. Oh, but the Zune can "squirt" songs... up to about 3 feet I hear. Now that's squirting! According to some of the nice people at CNN, it can also be used for email.

So, to give Microsoft their much wanted attention, I have compiled this list of the top ten reasons why you should NOT buy a Zune MP3 player. Enjoy.

10. A software company that believes you should click on "Start" to Exit an application shouldn't be trusted with anything more complex than hole digging, let alone MP3 Players.

9. iPods will always come before Zunes... alphabetically.

8. Do you really want to own something brown that says its best feature is in its squirting abilities?

7. "Zuned" doesn't really mean what Microsoft wants you to think it means.

6. If you go around squirting friends, your popularity is likely to decline. Just the possibility that others could be squirted by you will affect your social life dramatically. And no... not for the better. Definitely not for the better.

5. Bill Gates implants a secret listening device in everything he touches. Don't believe me? Just ask the Office Hobo.

4. A portion of every Zune sold goes to fund the underhanded scuzz of the music industry so they can sue old ladies for listening to music the ladies have never heard of... on computers that don't exist... old ladies that wouldn't know how to use the computers if they existed anyway... but the ladies will give you a fig newton if you ask nicely. And some of them like prunes. By buying a Zune, you fund the lawsuits that take away their prunes! I hope you are happy.

3. Zunes are for Prunes.

2. Can you think of any reason TO buy one? A good reason?

1. Brown products of any type should NOT "squirt" anything. Period. End of story.