Associated Press - 2 Hours Ago
In an announcement shocking the automotive world, Microsoft, Inc. - Maker of the infamous Windows Operating System - has announced plans of producing an all new automobile dubbed the "Zume". This follows the lack-luster success of Microsoft's ill-conceived Zune MP3 player, in a retarded-monkey style, company-wide effort to branch out to other markets.

"Computer users are becoming more savvy." Microsoft CEO Steve Balmer was quoted as saying. "They have come to realize that our software is complete crap. So this has been a sort of wake-up call for us to exploit other markets as we grub for more money to help offset falling revenue. Plus, all the buzz drowns out the cries of our current customers, which were becoming obnoxious. I was running out of chairs to throw so I knew we had to do something."

And something, he did. With the backing of several nerds, a hindu monk, and some mongolian dirt eating tree frogs, Mr. Balmer was able to turn 10 years of work and half a trillion dollars into an almost-functioning prototype version of the Zume, which may or may not be available as a beta version early next year.

The car redefines the way consumers will think about transportation in general, and - for some odd reason - is also built to be a multi-media center for the home living room. In fact, the Zume has a total of 33 new, nonsensical features that don't normally go with a car. The in-dash nose hair trimmer and passenger side bikini waxer are two prime examples. Likewise, the Mr. Groomer Pet Compartment, an optional add-on, has received little welcome. This might be due to the compartment's tendency to overheat and accidentally cook animals instead of groom them. Those who praise the Pet Compartment have lauded its abilities as a makeshift oven and/or robust sheep-shearing device.

When asked what a software company was doing branching into unfamiliar markets such as consumer electronics, human midget cloning, and automobile production, Microsoft Chairman and Founder Bill Gates was quoted as saying: "More! More, more, more, more, more!!!"

It is not known when production will begin or how many cars will be available initially; however, rumor has it the Zume will hit the market in time to compete with Toyota's new pPod sedan. Toyota's representatives were not immediately available for comment.